


He Had It Coming

by Duck_Life



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Cell Block Tango, Crack, Murder, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 20:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12712827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life
Summary: The Descendants gals explain why their poisoned apples and bloody swords were absolutely, positively necessary.





	He Had It Coming

And now, the six villainous vixens of the Isle of the Lost, in their rendition of… the Cell Block Tango.

_ He had it coming, _ _   
_ _ He had it coming, _ _   
_ _ He only had himself to blame. _ _   
_ _ If you’da been there, _ _   
_ _ If you’da seen it, _ _   
_ __ I betcha you would have done the same.

“You know,” Uma said, stepping out from the shadows of her mother’s chips shop, “how people have these little habits that get you down? Like… Harry. Harry liked the chew gum. No, not chew it…” She smashed her hands together in anger. “ _ Pop _ it. So I come home late one night after a hard day of pirating and plotting, and there’s Harry, sitting on the ship, drinking some rum and chewing.” She paused and corrected herself. “No, not chewing…  _ popping _ . So I said to him, I said, ‘You pop that gum one more time…’ And he did.” Uma shrugged. “So I took my sword out of its sheath and I took two practice swings.” She smirked. “ _ Into his heart _ .”

_ He had it coming _ _   
_ _ He had it coming _ _   
_ _ He only had himself to blame _ _   
_ _ If you'd have been there _ _   
_ _ If you'd have heard it _ _   
_ __ I betcha you would have done the same!

Mal turned around from her spray-painted dragon and smiled. “I met Ben Florian from Auradon about a year ago,” she sighed, “and he told me he was single. And we hit it off right away. He made me his Lady of the Court.” Her eyes grew daydreamy as she reminisced. “He’d go off and perform his kingly duties, he’d come home, I’d fix him some cookies, we’d have dinner.” Her lips twisted into a bitter sneer. “And then one day I found out. Single he told me? Single my ass. Not only was he betrothed, oh no. He had six princesses on the side.” She shook her head, still furious at the memory. “So that night when he came home, I gave him his plate of cookies, as usual.” She smiled, her eyes glowing green. “You know, some guys just can’t hold their arsenic.”

_ He had it coming _ _   
_ _ He had it coming _ _   
_ _ He took a flower _ _   
_ _ In its prime _ _   
_ _ And then he used it _ _   
_ _ And he abused it _ _   
_ _ It was a murder _ _   
_ __ But not a crime!

“Now,” Audrey began, stepping down from the steps of her tower, “I’m standing in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for the picnic we were supposed to have. And my boyfriend Chad storms in in a jealous rage. ‘You’ve been screwing the king!’ He was crazy. And he kept on screaming it, ‘You’ve been screwing the king!’” She polished her carving knife on her skirt idly. “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.” 

_ If you'd have been there _ _   
_ _ If you'd have seen it _ _   
_ __ I betcha you would have done the same!

Evie turned a corner then and walked to meet Mal as she told her own story. “ Mi novio Doug era el tipo más dulce que había conocido. Pensé que había encontrado mi feliz para siempre,” she explained, leaning against the wall beside Mal. “Pero luego me di cuenta de que era lesbiana y él me estaba frenando. Cuando salí con él estaba tan enojado ... y luego misteriosamente desapareció. Lo encontraron en el bosque, agarrando una manzana.”

“Yeah,” Mal said conspiratorially, “but did you do it?” 

“Uh-uh,” Evie said. “Not guilty.”

Lonnie parkoured down from a nearby roof and landed in front of Mal and Evie. She immediately began her own tale of woe and deceit. “My friend Jordan and I used to do acrobatics together at Auradon Prep,” she explained. “And my boyfriend Jay would go along with us, learn all the moves. Jordan and I always finished practice by doing these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row, one, two, three, splits, spread-eagles, one right after the other.” She shook her head and laughed without any humor. “Now, this one night, we’re hanging out in her lamp, the three of us, having a good time. And we ran out of chips, so I left to get some. I come back… and there’s Jay and Jordan, doing number 17… the spread eagle.” 

Lonnie paused dramatically before shaking her head and continuing. “Well. I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can’t remember a thing. It wasn’t until later… when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.” 

_ They had it coming (they had it coming) _ _   
_ _ They had it coming (they had it coming) _ _   
_ _ They had it coming all along _ _   
_ _ I didn't do it _ _   
_ _ But if I'd done it _ _   
_ __ How could you tell me that I was wrong?

_ They had it coming (they had it coming) _ _   
_ _ They had it coming (they had it coming) _ _   
_ _ They had it coming all along (they took a flower in its prime) _ _   
_ _ I didn't do it (and then they used it) _ _   
_ _ But if I'd done it _ _   
_ _ How could you tell me  _ _   
_ __ That I was wrong?

“I loved Carlos de Vil more than I could say,” Jane began, looking out-of-place on the Isle in her periwinkle and pink. “He was a real artistic type, real creative, good with technology. But he was always trying to find himself. He’d go out every night looking for himself and on the way, he found Ally, Freddie, CJ… and Jay.”

“I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences,” Jane said. “He saw himself as alive… and I saw him dead.”

_ The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum _ _   
_ _ The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum _

_ They had it coming (they had it coming) _ _   
_ _ They had it coming (they had it coming) _ _   
_ _ They had it coming all along _ _   
_ _ 'Cause if they used us ('cause if they used us) _ _   
_ _ And they abused us (and they abused us) _ _   
_ __ How could you tell us that we were wrong?

_ He had it coming (he had it coming) _ _   
_ _ He had it coming (he had it coming) _ _   
_ _ He only had himself to blame (he only had himself to blame) _ _   
_ _ If you'd have been there (if you'd have been there) _ _   
_ _ If you'd have seen it (if you'd have seen it) _ _   
_ __ I betcha you would have done the same!


End file.
